Joke site

http://www.ahajokes.com/religious_jokes.html

MISCELLANEOUS HUMOR

On a nice sunny afternoon a preacher was walking down a dirt road when he came upon a man working in a field full of large fruits and vegies and yells to the man GREAT GARDEN!! the man wipes his face with a rag and walks over to great the preacher "Thanks a lot said the man" The preacher says yes the LORD sure did great work here . The farmer steps back and said Preacher when the lord had this field it was full of stones and sticker bushes!



A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.



Inside the dinosaur museum the young teenage tour guide was taking the tour group through the museum explaining each display. He described one dinosaur display as being 2 million years and 6 months old.

One of the older men in the tour group indicated to the tour guide that it was quite fascinating that he knew very precisely how old the fossil display was. The older man asked the tour guide, “How did you determine the precise age of this fossil display?”

The tour guide answered, “Quite simple, when I started work here 6 months ago the fossil was 2 million years old.” John Kokenzie




A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."





Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.




The pastor of a local church met a parishioner while walking along the street. He stopped the man and asked why he did not attended church regularly. The man replied that the sermons were okay, but he said, "Every time I go to church you sing the same songs!" The pastor, who was quite proud of the diversity in the church's music, asked the man which songs was he referring to. Then the man said, " Silent Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem." Edward Guldner



What Would Jesus Drive?

Environmentalist Christians recently looked with dismay at the fuel efficiency of American cars and asked "What would Jesus drive?"

Maybe this hand-made sign observed on the back of an Amish horse and buggy in Pennsylvania has an answer: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."




God was finished

A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"




A chaplain was preaching to a congregation on a Royal navy ship, just after they had spliced the main brace(had their daily tot of rum). He chose to speak on the dangers of drinking alcohol. To prove his point he did a little demonstration. He had two glasses in the pulpit one with water and one with Overproofed rum from the spirit room of the ship. He proceeded to drop a worm in the glass of water and it swam around and he dropped a worm in the glass with the rum and the worm died instantly. He then asked what was the moral of the demonstration, and a sailor in the front row obviously in an advanced state of inebriation said "if you are troubled with worms,drink rum"




An Irish wife went to see her parish priest for some counseling because of her husband's drinking. "Father," she said, "he comes home every night drunk. What will I do?"

Father said, "tonight put a sheet over your head and hide in the closet. When your husband comes home, jump out of the closet and say: 'the devil from hell is here!' and he will never drink again."

The woman did what Father suggested and waited for her husband in the closet. True to form the husband wandered home and into the house as drunk as a skunk. His wife jumped out of the closet as soon as he entered the house and yelled "the devil from hell is here!"

The husband was quite startled. "Thank God!" said he said, "I thought it was the wife out of her bed."

From Fr. Ted's tapes. Toronto Canada




A young boy wished his teenage sister the sign of peace at Mass one Sunday. What did you say she said to him and listened carefully to his reply. Busy, Busy, Boo he said. She was shocked when she heard his answer. It is not Busy, Busy, Boo she said. It is "Peace be with you".





The Definition of a modern day Christian:
One who goes to church on Sunday to ask for forgiveness for what he did on Saturday and what he will do on Monday!




A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"




TRUE ORIGINS OF THE INTERNET

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.........and that is how it all began.




A man had been down on his luck, strapped financially. One day, he received $200 anonymously in the mail. He decided to tithe this blessing. He was looking outside his window from the second floor and below stood this disrumpled, down-and-out looking fellow by the pay phone. Here was an opportunity to put his tithe to direct use. So, he puts $20 in an envelope and writes on the outside of it "Don't despair," and drops it out the window. The fellow looks up a little puzzled, but takes it and goes into the phone booth. The next day, there was a knock on the door, and there he stands, handing him several hundred dollar bills. "What's this?," the first fellow says. The disrumpled-looking fellow answers, "It's your share. 'Don't Despair' paid 50 to 1!" ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.




This fellow always stopped at the pretzel stand that stood just outside his workplace, placed $2.00 on the counter, but didn't take a pretzel. One day, the stand operator said, "I've got something I'd like to say to you." "Oh, I know," the fellow says," you want to know why I lay down $2.00 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?" "No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50." ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.






Take whatever humor you may out of these s, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email!

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion.

AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God.




I was driving down a highway when suddenly I came upon a church that had a sign out front that read: "Have trouble sleeping? Come hear one of our sermons!"




There was a family that was very interested in buying a family pet. They decided that it would have to be a Christian pet. So they go to the Christian pet store and begin looking at different animals. They ask to see one dog in particular. The store employee brings it out and says, "this dog does numerous tricks, go fetch.." the dog runs away and brings back a bible. "Look up John 3:16..." the dog flips through the bible and finds the verse. The family was very impressed so they took the dog home. That night the neighbors came over to see the new pet. The father of the family says, "our new dog is incredible. He does lots of tricks...go fetch.." and the dog returns with a bible. "Look up John 3:16.." and the dog finds the verse. The family stands proudly behind the dog as the neighbor asks, "that's great but does he do any normal tricks?" The father nervously looks at his wife and says, "sure! uh...heel..." The dog jumps on his lap, puts his paw on the man's forehead and starts praying.




A man fell off a cliff and was hanging precariously from a tree branch. He cried out "God, please help me!" God answered, "Have faith and I will protect you. Let go of the branch." The man, stunned, cried out, "Is there anyone else up there?"




A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."




One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. >We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?" >God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this, let's have a Man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." >The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"




A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was cast as the landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked him if he had a room for them. The boy smiled and said, "Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on in!"




One day a boy came home from school who had just gotten his learners permit. He said to his dad, who was a minister, "Dad, I'd like to discuss the use of the car." > > His father said, "Well son, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible, and get a haircut, and then we will discuss the use of the car. > > The boy said, "Okay." > > A month later the boy came back and siad to his father, "Dad, I'd like to discuss the use of the car." > > His father said, "Well son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up. You've studied your bible diligently. But you haven't gotten a haircut. > > The boy paused a moment. And then said, "Well Dad, I've been thinking about that. Sampson had long hair, Noah had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." > > And his father said, "Yea, and they WALKED every where they went!" By: Bailey of Kingsport




If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. > > If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did He make them out of meat?




Do you know why anteaters never get sick? ........

They are full of little ant-i-bodies




Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to get to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."




The drought in Georgia has affected our different faith communities in different ways. The Baptists have taken up sprinkling, the Methodists are using damp cloths to baptise and the Presbyterians are giving out rainchecks. [MS in GA]

Original quote by Pastor Dan Schaefer, Puyallup Wa.: The problem with most Christians is they want "microwave" answers to "crock pot" prayers.




A burglar had forced entry into a residence when he heard a voice saying "Jesus is watching you." He looked toward the sound of the voice and noticed a parrot roosting in its cage. At this time the parrot said, "Hello, my name is Elvis." The burglar rhetorically asked, "What kind of an idiot would name a parrot Elvis?" To his surprise, the owner of the home replied from the darkness of the room, " The same idiot who named this Rottweiller Jesus." The last sound the burglar heard was, "Grrrrrr."




Today's market activity:

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

Invest wisely!




why did the chicken cross the road he saw that the side he was on said...$1.00 for breast,thighs,and legs!!!By:Bryan of Cal City




One day an elderly couple walk into Micki D's and Order one sandwhich, a large fry, one drink and an extra cup.

They found a table and sat down. The husband cut the sandwhich in half and gave part for himself and the other half to his wife. Next he divided the fries evenly, one for her one for him. Then divided the drink.

A man watched as they divided their food. The man watched as the woman started eating and the man just sat watching. So the young man asked if they needed money to buy more food, The old man replied" No thanks , We share everything 50/50; it's her turn with the teeth".




Two old buddies were reflecting on life and started talking about baseball.Finally they were discussing whether or not baseball was played in heaven.After awhile they came to an agreement.Whoever died first would come back and tell the other if they played baseball in heaven.Eventually one of the men died.About two weeks later as the other fellow was in bed for the night, his friend came to see him.He asked him,"Hey old buddy is there baseball in heaven?" He answered,"I've got good news and bad news.The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow."




A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," he replied. "In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law".




What is St. John's Wort?

It's an anti-depressant found in a Christian bookstore.

_______________________

During a recent drought, I called a friend and asked how dry is it there? He replied, "It is so dry, my catfish have wood-ticks."

Shocked, I called a friend who was experiencing rain, rain, and more rain. I asked, "How much rain did you have anyway?" She replied, "I am not sure, but the white perch ate my tomatoe plants."



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's."



Student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."



A woman wearing an enourmous flowery hat was stopped at the door of the church by one of the ushers. "Are you a friend of the groom?" he asked, "Of course not!" snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."



Two curates were talking, one said "How do you get on with the young women in your parish?"
The other replied, "I seek safety in numbers. How about you?"
The first curate replied, "I take refuge in exodus".



SAW ON THE BACK OF AUTOMOBILE: I started years ago with nothing - I still have most of it left



Groceries from the devil

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He
thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and
redicule her. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was
praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what
He was gonna do.

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph
. . .I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole
bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch,rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would
do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she
began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and
shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy
lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
praising the Lord. When the atheist finally caught her, he asked what
her problem was . . .

She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some
groceries but I didn't know he made the devil pay for them!"



A little boy was fidgeting during worship one Sunday morning. Spotting a big brass plaque with dozens of names engraved on it ensconced in the back wall, the little boy asked his father, "What are all those names on that plaque?"
The father helpfully answered, "Those are the names of all the members of our church who died in the service."
Wide eyed, the little boy then asked, "Was that the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"



RECALL NOTICE!
IMPORTANT!
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component or heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment.

Some other symptoms are:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component

The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect, at numerous locations throughout the world. The number to call for the recall station in your area is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S for prompt assistance at any location worldwide.



A lesson on GREED:

A young, very successful, career oriented man was driving his prized possession, (his $100,000 Porsche Automobile) one night when he had a terrible accident. He flipped the car several times. When the police arrived, he was walking around in a daze saying: "Oh no, not my Porsche, not my Porsche". The Police officer took one look at him and said: "Sir, we've got to get you to the hospital, you're bleeding terribly". It was as if the young man didn't hear him, he just kept repeating: "Oh no, not my Porsche". Finally, the Police officer walked around him to check out all of his injuries. He frantically cried out to the young man: "we've got to get you to a hospital, your left arm has been cut-off in the accident", to which the young man replied: "oh no, not my Rolex too!"



We have all learned to live with voice mail as a
necessary part of modern life. But have you ever
wondered, "what if God decided to install voice
mail?" Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other sinners right now. However, your prayer
is important to us and will be answered in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses
as you call God in prayer? If you would like to
speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a
psalm while you hold, please Press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security
number, then press the pound key. (If you get a
negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please
enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is,
please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once
today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

How about:
This office is closed for the weekend please
call during normal business hours,
or...
We are closed to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again tomorrow after 9:30 AM. If you
need emergency assistance when this office is
closed, please contact your local pastor.




THE SENILITY PRAYER

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



A woman went up to a highly respected clergyman and asked him,"How would you cope with a serious drink problem?"
He replied, "With a corkscrew, madam."



One day God was looking down on the earth and saw all the evil that
was going on. He decided to sent an angel to earth to check it out
first hand. He called on his very best female angel and sent her to
earth for a short while. When she returned, she told God, yes
indeed, it is truly bad on earth. 95% of the people are bad and only
5% are good. God thought for a moment and decided he better send a
male angel down to get both points of view. So, he called upon his
best male angel and sent him to earth. When the male angel returned
he went straight to God and told him that the female angel had been
correct. Indeed, 95% of the people on earth were bad and only 5%
were good. Again God stopped to think,this was not a good thing at
all. Finally God decided to send an E-mail to the 5% of the people
that were good to encourage them to continue on the right path.
Something to keep them going even though the odds are against them.


Do you know what that E-mail said?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
So, you didn't get one either?



Pray for the dyslexic devil-worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa!



What's the difference between a muscian and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist!



BILLBOARD MESSAGES IN FLORIDA

You think it's hot here? - God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

What part of "thou Shalt Not..."didn't you understand? - God

Have you read my #1 best seller? (There will be a test) - God

Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

Let's meet at My house Sunday before the game. - God

That "love thy neighbor" thing, I meant it. - God

My way is the highway. - God
Don't make me come down there. - God
I don't question your existence. - God



Two men were marooned on an Island. One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself. The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die." "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My Pastor will find me."



Pete and Sally had been married for 59 years, not always happily - by the way. Pete had recently been hospitalisedwith a sever illness. The doctor has told Pete and Sally to go home as there is no hope for Pete. It is a matter of hours, and Pete might as well die at home.
Sally takes Pete home, tucks him in bed, and pats his head as she carries on with her tasks.
Pete lays in bed pondering his remaining hours when an aroma comes wafting up the stairs. Pete cries, "Sally, what's that smell?" He struggles out of bed when she does not answer the call, and he crawls to the door. Once again he cries out, "Honey, what's that smell? It smells so good." Again there is no answer, so Pete musters all his remaining strength and crawls down the stairs to the kitchen. He rises up as high as his strength will allow and there on the couter, the table, on everywhere, are giant cholocate chip cookies cooling. She does really love me after all, he thinks. She has made my favorite cookie for me befor I die.
With all his remaing strength he pulls himself up on his feet and staggers to the closest cookie. He is just about to take a big bite of the warm and moist treat when a rolling pin nails him of the head and Sally says, "Don't you take one bite of even one of those cookies. Those cookies are for the funeral."



A wise man once said ministers are like manure.

They work best when they are in the field, but they stink when they are clumped together.



Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Just to prove to raccoons that it CAN be done.



This story might be apocryphal. One day an elderly Kansas farmer from a small community was referred to one of the big Kansas City hospitals. Asked about his religion, he answered, "I'm an Episcopalian." The local parish priest came to visit him.

"I see you are an Episcopalian."

"Yessir. Have been all my life."

"Which parish do you belong to?"

"Well, sir, I don't think I belonged to a parish."

"Which bishop confirmed you?"

"Well, now, sir, I don't rightly think I ever saw a bishop."

"But you listed yourself as an Episcopalian."

"Well, once when I was a young man, I went into a church, and all the people in that church were saying all together, 'We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done'. And ever since then, I knew I was an Episcopalian."



This came to me from a friend - no idea from whence it originated:

Poem on "Y2K" (Based on Psalm 139)

"Year To Kneel" "Yield To the King"

O Lord, You have searched me, and known me. You know when I sit down at my PC, and when I step away. You understand my modem, and the whole e-mail thing.

You know the way I let the Internet waste my time, but too, how it has let me keep in contact with family and friends around the globe. Even before I've touched the keyboard, You know what I'll write.

It is hard for me to comprehend that You're standing at my shoulder every time I sign on AOL. You are awesome, Lord, and the Y2K uncertainties can't disturb You, like they do me and lots of people around me.

Where can I go that Your Spirit isn't with me? Or could I get away from Your love and protection, if I was running in fear come Jan. 1, 2000?

If my electricity shuts down, You are there. If I have to sleep under two down-comforters to keep warm when my gas furnace fails to operate, You are there. If the city can't keep the water pumping, or my ATM is "out of service," You'll take care of me.

If, on Dec. 31, 1999, I cry, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike, to You.

You made me Lord, and You love me. Your works have no glitches, no shutdowns, no power failures. My days, with or without computers, were planned by You before I was even born!

You, Lord, are without limits, always knowing, and seeing, and doing. Faith in technology is a sin, and I pray for Your forgiveness for the times I've trusted it with my comfort, happiness and cash. Help me to be faithful to You, and not panic when I hear of shortages, outages and chaos.

Help me to be prepared to help others, physically and spiritually. Let me be an enemy of fear-mongers, and help me to show those who are truly afraid of the future how to put their trust in You, Lord, the Almighty One.

Keep Your eye on me, O God, and touch my heart. Give me Your peace, and make me share it with others. Keep my eyes on You, now and forever.

HW in HI



Two honey bees were talking. One complained that he could hardly ever find any nectar anymore, and was always starving to death. The other bee told him about the Jewish Bar Mitzva that was just down the street ..."Plenty of fresh flowers, sweet wine, all you can take", so the first bee made a bee-line for the party. Upon returning a few hours latee, he again encountered tohe second bee, who asked him what that black spot was on his head. Oh, said the first, thats a Yarmaluke ... I didn't want them to think I was a WASP!



What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? Someone who knocks on doors for no reason!



A pastor's wife brings a lot of religion to the family. Every meal that she prepares for the nourishment of the body is either a "sacrifice of a sweet smelling savor" or "a burnt offering".



The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed.

But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "I am too late, the government already has."

sumited by Back to Basics



Little Timmy couldn't wait to get home from church and play with his new puppy. When he got home he changed out of his nice clothes and ate lunch all the time thinking about his puppy. When he had finished washing the dishes he ran out side to play. Before long Timmiy's mother heard him shouting, "AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!" His mother couldn't help but look to see what he was doing. When she got out side she saw him pointing at the dog and shouting "AMEN!" "What are you doing?" asked his mother. "Teaching the puppy a trick," said Timmy. "What trick are you teaching him?" "I'm teaching him to sit," said Timmy. "Why are you saying AMEN," asked his mother. "Well," timmy thought, "it always works fot the preacher, he says AMEN and everybody sits down."

This is a good illustration about falling ineo "churchly" habbits.

-sumited by Colonel Dave-



Two men were hikeing in the mountians. It wasn't long until they came across a bear. The bear stood on it's hind legs and let out a bone chilling roar. Ever so slowly the first man reachen into his back-pack, pulled out a pair of sneakers, took off his hikeing boots and started to lace up the sneakers. "Are you crazy?" the second man said to the first, "you can't possibly think that you can out run that bear!" "I don't have to out run the bear," said the first man, "all I gota do is out run you!"



Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? The bible says they came from a fire. (Far)



Why did the tomato cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot



Q: What did the picture say when he went to jail? A: "I was framed."



An arrogant astronomer approached a minister at a party. "Pastor, "the astronomer smugly asked, "wouldn't you agree that all of Christian theology could be summed up in this simple song, 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so'?" "Yes," the pastor replied, "if you would agree that all of astronomy can be summed up in this song, 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!'"



What did the photographer say at the Last Supper? Anyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.



How did the disciples get to the upper room? They all rode over in a Honda. Scripture says "They were all in one Accord.



What Happened To The little Boy that ran through The screen Door? He Strained Himself!



John, an avid golfer, came in from the course one Saturday. His wife, Mary asked him with whom he had played that day. He said,"oh, no one in particular." She asked," Why don't you play with Bill anymore?" John replied," Would you like to play golf with someone who throws his clubs, swears all the time, lies about his scores, moves his ball in the rough, and won't stop talking while you'r trying to play a shot?" " Of course not!" said Mary. John said," Well, neither does Bill."



A man went to the pet store to buy a canary. The store owner sold him one promising him that it would sing gloriously. I man took the bird home and sure enough it sang gloriously. However, at that moment, the man noticed that the canary had only one leg. Furious, he took the bird back to the store and yelled at the owner, "This canry you sold me has only one leg!" The store owner said, What do you want? A bird that can sing or one that can dance?"



The difference between God and a lawyer? God knows He is not a lawyer.



Seen in a church newsletter: This publication tries to include something for everyone, therefore if you find a mistake be assured we intentionally published it. It is put there for all the folks that are always looking for a mistake.



My friend David was greeting people at the rear of the sanctuary one Sunday. A kindly older woman approached him with a big smile on her face, trying to be helpful and said,

"Oh Pastor, every sermon is better than the next."



Hermeneutics in Everyday life!

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?

That depends on how you exegete (interpret) the stop sign. 1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.

3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop the car if the car in front of him does.

5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

6. A seminary educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2)a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."

8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

9. A NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs, and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text!

10. An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author on the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P.

11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back.(Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.

12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP."

13. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world-north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.

not original -- source unknown HW in HI



Once upon a time there were two preachers who loathed one another. One day one of them said to the other, "I bet you couldn't preach extempore on any subject I gave you." "I bet you I could," said the other. "OK," said the first, "I'll leave a card in the pulpit on Sunday. Whatever is on that card, you've got to preach on it." "No problem," said the other one, "and I tell you what - I'll find an appropriate text as well. So there!" Well, Sunday came, and the first preacher thought to himself, "I'll fix that so-and-so. He'll never be able to preach on this." And on the card he wrote one word - CONSTIPATION - and he put the card in the pulpit. At the proper time in theservice, the second preacher went up into the pulpit, turned over the card, and thought for a moment. Then he said, "My text today is from the Book of Exodus - 'And Moses took the tablets, and went down the mountain....'"



There once was a minister preaching at a church as a guest. There was something wrong with his microphone. So he said to the congregation "Something is wrong with this microphone." The congregation responded with an "and also with you."



Did you know God is a baseball fan? "In the Big-inning..."



Question: Where in the Bible is the first mention of medicine ? Answer: When God gave Moses two tablets !



Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who had insomnia? He laid awake nights wondering if there is a Dog.



Two Prophets meet. "U R doing fine, how about me?"



Just when you thought kids were not appreciating the concept of prayer--this /story: A six year old began to be disruptive in worship. His father leaned over to ask him to be quiet, but the youngster persisted in making noise. Another warning from the father, but again, the child continued to make noise. This time the father reached that invisible line and took the young child in his arms, made his way across the pew all the while the youngster yelling: "Pray for me!" "Pray for me!"



what would happen if the three wise men were three wise women? They would have asked for directions; got there in time to deliver the baby; made a cassarole; and borught disposable diapers as the gift



This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite >>> four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was >>3 >>> years old (her first mistake). >>> >>> One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was >>> ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was >>> keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not >>> wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were >>> for special occasions. >>> >>> Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are >>> leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had >>assignments >>> for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. >>> >>> When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into >>> laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came >>my >>> father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of >>> embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a >"special >>> occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. >>I >>> had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My >>> mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the >>other >>> adults into further fits of laughter. >>> >>> "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!



In England chaplains are sometimes seen as not being 'real' ministers. Here is a funny story in which chaplains get their own back: A parish minister went to visit Bob,an elderly member of his congregation, receiving a warm welcome and invited to sit down while the elderly man made them a cup of tea. As he was waiting, the minister spied a bowl of tempting looking peanuts on the table and he thought to himself, 'I'm sure Bob won't mind if I take one or two. One or two became three or four, until the dish was empty. At that point, Bob came in with the tea and the minister said, @Bob, i hope you won't mind, but I've eaten those delicious peanuts.' 'O that's ok,' said Bob, 'since i've had my teeth out, I can only suck the chocolate off them anyway!'



A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"



Scripture verse hanging in church nursery: 1 Corinthians 15:51 ". . .we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."



There was a man praying and begain to request things that would help him be a better worker,father,husband and Church member. During his request he asked God to qive him patience;NOW! Lord thy will be done?



Knock knock who's there? Israel Israel who? Is rael nice to see you here!



GRITS: God Reigns In The South!!!



Give your troubles to God: He will be up all night anyway.



How are Arnold Swartzenegger and Jesus alike? They both said, "I'll be back!"



January 4, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing



A doctor, an architect, and a lawyer were arguing over who had the oldest profession. The doctor said, "Well the first operation was performed on Adam, so the medical profession is the oldest."

"No," said the architect, "Architechual planning and design was needed to create the earth and the universe out of chaos, so I represent the oldest profession."

"Where do you think the chaos came from?" asked the lawyer.



Three men, one mechanic, one technician and one computer expert were driving in a car along a lonely road at night. Suddenly the car mysteriously stopped and didn't start when the key was turned. The men tried to agree how to solve the situation. The mechanic claimed that it must be a mechanical problem, but the technician was certain that it had to do with some technical disorders. They argued for a while, until the computer expert exclaimed: "All right! Let's do it like this: We all get out of the car and close the doors. Then we open the doors, get back in and try again!"



A man buys a parrot from the pet store. The man's enthusiasm for the bird disappears as the bird begins swearing the foulest profanity the man ever heard. He tries talking to the bird in a soothing tone but the parrot's profanity only gets worse. Finally in a fit of desperation he thrusts the bird into the freezer. The parrot's squawking immediately stops. The man quickly opens the freezer, the parrot walks out and politely asks, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the turkey do?" LMC



People who say they sleep like a baby, generally don't have any.

One of the advantages of living a temperate life is that you can distinguish the flu from a hangover.



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".



A devout Christian was met by an angry bear while walking in the woods one day. In desperation and faith he knelt and prayed, "Lord, please make this a christian bear "! In amazment he opened his eyes to see the bear praying also, "LORD, PLEASE BLESS THIS FOOD I'M ABOUT TO EAT"!



There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his costomers more than he has been since he became a barber. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said "Today I am Going to witness to the first man that wants to get a shave". So when he opened shop the first man came in and said "I want a shave" so the barber said "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment". The barber went in the back and prayed a little prayer like this"God, the first costomer came in and i'm gping to witness to him. So gine me the wisdom so I know what to say and the right things to say amen." So when the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand he said "Good morning sir. I have a qustion for you...Are you ready to die???



I read about a woman who telephoned a friend and asked how she was feeling, "Terrible," came the reply,"my head's splitting and my back and legs are killing me. The house is a mess, and the kids are simply driving me crazy." Very sympathetically the caller said, "Listen, go and lie down, I'll come over right away and cook lunch for you, clean up the house, and take care of the children while you get some rest. By the way, how is Sam?" "Sam?" the complaining housewife asked. "My husband isn't named Sam." "My heavens," exclaimed the first woman,"I must have dialed the wrong number." There was a long pause. "Does this mean that you're not coming over?"



Mathematics A young lad was doing well in school, doing very well in every subject but Maths. He continued to have problems in the subject in spite of help, positive reinforcement and tutors. In the end it was decided to move him to a Catholic private school. The change was remarkable. Every night with barely a word he went to his room and studied till sent to bed. At the end of the semester he had an A+ but continued to study. His parents asked him if he knew what had made the difference. Was it the curriculum, or the teachers, or maybe his peers. “Oh No” he said. “I knew they meant business from the first day and I saw that fellow nailed to the plus sign!!”



A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."



"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."



People in Louisiana know that cajuns live longer. A cajun went to the Doctor for a check up. The doctor came with the results and said, "You are in excellent shape for 55 year old man." "Did I say I was 55?" said the cajun. "You mean you're not 55?' said the doctor. "No. I am 75," said the cajun. "Good heavens. You are in remarkable shape. You must have incredible genes. Let me ask you this. How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say my father was dead?"said the cajun. "You dont mean he is alive?" said the doctor. "He sure is. He is 98 and still dancing." said the cajun. "Well let me ask you this, said the doctor. "How old was your grandfather when he died?" "Did I say my grandfather was dead?" "You dont mean he's alive, too? "Why he sure is. Infact, he is 127 and getting married tomorrow." "Getting married! Why in the world would a 127 year old man want to get married?" "Did I say he wanted to get married."






A faithful priest noticed that on nice Sunday mornings a certain group of parishoners were absent. He later learned that they were playing golf on such wonderful mornings. Now the Priest, a golf enthusiast himself, was dissapointed to miss out each time. > One day he decided to call in sick and play a round of golf himself. He carefully chose a course far away such that he would not be recognized. It was a glorious day and he set out to play. St Peter noticed this bit of hookey and immediately set out to inform God. God said that he knew of this and had it under control. > Meanwhile, the Priest tee'd up on the first hole and knocked in a hole-in-one. > St Peter gasp and said "Lord, I thought you had this under control?" > "I do," said God. > The Priest started the second hole and again hit a hole-in-one. > St Peter was beside himself "Lord, what are you doing? He is having the game of his life! I thought you said you had this under control!" > "I do," said the Lord. "Who's he gonna tell?"

REAL LIFE JOKES

I had not been preaching long at a rather "staid and proper" congregation when a fellow I did not recognize came forward at the invitation. Upon questioning, I found that Earnest Ray was from "up in the hills" and he had come to church that morning to be baptized. Not only that, but he brought all of his friends and relatives with him. He said he wanted his relative to baptize him.

Not knowing the protocol of the new congregation, I let them get ready for the baptism while I waited with the rest of the church. All the while, I kept wondering, "Should I step back there and give his relative a couple of 'pointers' regarding the baptism?"

I should have gone back there.

When it came time for Earnest Ray to be baptized, his cousin said, "I now baptize you in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit", and proceeded to dunk him under the water. The problem was, Earnest Ray panicked and grabbed hold of the edge of the baptistry.

The relative wasn't about to just baptize part of Earnest Ray. He held him under water and kept yelling "Turn Loose Earnest Ray! Turn Loose! It ain't gonna do you no good unless you turn Loose!" This went on until Earnest Ray passed out long enough to turn loose.

Needless to say, the congregation was no longer staid and proper. People were rollling in the aisles.

Michael Joiner




I am NOT hard of hearing!

I am not hard of hearing but, sometimes… well, sometimes the words I hear just don’t seem to register quite right:

A group of us were enjoying coffee together and one of the ladies was excitedly sharing the fact she was getting a new Microwave Oven. But she didn’t say she was going to “buy” or “purchase” one – she used the word “acquire” – she was going to acquire a Microwave Oven.

The conversation wasn’t making a lick of sense to me and I blurted out, “What in the world are you talking about?!”

Startled, and puzzled, she wondered what the problem was. I explained, “I’ve got this vision of a choir loft full of Microwave Ovens with the doors opening and closing, the lights going on and off, and the buzzers buzzing…”






Got to Get a Job

My 3 year old niece is getting ready to graduate from pre-school. so she told her mother that she was going to make a speech at the graduation. Her mother said to her "You know what happens after you graduate?" . Her response "I GOTTA GET A JOB, RIGHT MOM?"





Long-Haired Drivers

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"





Can't Keep Up With It

My Mother-in-law at a ripe old age of 88 has been in the nursing home for several years and is suffering from dementia. The home has made her a special chair from PVC pipe with wheels. When she first received her chair, she was so excited because she could visit with the other residence. One day she was up and down the hall until she had worked up a sweat. Finally, she stopped at the nurse's station and told the nurse on duty, "You've got to take the motor off this chair. I just can't keep up with it"!





Mr. Rogers is in the "hood"

While watching "Mr. Rogers" with my 3 year old daughter, Hannah, one afternoon I explained to her that Mr. Rogers went to live in Heaven. Hannah immediately said "No mama, he lives in the neighborhood!"





A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."



Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced "I'm sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don't worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I'd also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board." Someone at the back of the plane piped up "I'd feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!"



Have you ever noticed how geese fly in that V formation? Have you ever wondered why one side is always longer than the other? Answer- There's more geese on that side!



A local council (in the UK) built a new road (street) in which they also built a number of homes and flats (apartments) for the elderly. They were going to call the street "St. Peter's Close" until some wise person thought it was not appropriate for all the old people living there!



It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.



I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the hospital's fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the following message on his back:

The older I get the better I was.



Adam and Cullen were very young cousins. Sitting together in church one Sunday with Adam's mother, the preacher started his sermon with, "Adam, where are you"? He paused, then cried out a little louder, "Adam, where are you"? Cullen looked puzzled and then, pointing to his cousin Adam, and shouted: "here he is!"
Sent By their grand-father, Rev. Odus Jackson


My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner. As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal. The pastor's young daughter said, "I'm sure glad it wasn't dog poop!". Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh. The pastor's wife had told the child before coming to my daughter's house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what - even if it was dog poop.



'THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME'

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC'
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk back to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."





A hog farmer decided one morning to attend a church in town. He went into town in his work clothes smelling remarkably like his hog pen.

The church folks were outraged at the smell. The pastor said to the farmer: "The next time you come here, ask the Lord what you should wear." The farmer agreed.

The following Sunday the farmer returned to the same church ...in his work clothes. The pastor asked: "What did the Lord say?" The farmer replied, "The Lord said he had never been to this church and didn't know what to wear." submitted by Pastor Stein





From Linda Eberly: One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four. I didn't expect that they would listen to very much, I was just content that they were quiet. When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22 "anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder" was read, I heard the small worried voice of my four year old say "Uh-oh"





Liturgical Gaff
One time, during a particularly difficult time in a church job where I was the
assistant, I led the 5:30 Sunday evening communion service. Afterwards,
an elderly parishioner came up to me and said "Do you know what you said
tonight?" I looked at her, confused, and said no. She said, "Well, instead of
"The Lord be with you" (to which the congregation replies "and also with you")
-- you said "The Lord be with me." She said, "We all sort of stood there,
looked at each other, and then said, "and with us too!"
And I had totally missed the whole exchange!



Joke
Yet a little while and you see me no longer!
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the lectern, stood up afterthe Hymn of Meditation and declared..."Friends...My text for this morning is'Be not afraid, for it is I !" Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of hymn books behind thelectern for the evening service. After the evening Hymn of Meditation the preacherstood on his platform...vestments fully visible..."Friends...my text for this eveningis...Yet a little while and you see me no longer!" Just then the platform collapsedand down went the preacher. "StayBlessed"



Joke
Another Overworked Pastor
I was multi-tasking, looking over a bulletin while simultaneously leaving a message on a conference official's voice mail. My eyes falling on the opening prayer of the bulletin, I concluded the voice mail message about a mundane insurance question with "Amen." --Pastor Sally



Joke
What's a rainbow?
My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God standing on his head and smiling
after eating skittles.



Joke
A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together."

After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.

"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."



Joke
three boys were talking about their fathers excelence. One of them said: my father is a great professor. When he is talking about a subject, only 10 persons in the world can understand him! The second boy said: my father is great brain surgeon, when he is talking about his surgery only 5 person in the whole world can realize what he is saying. The third boy said: my father is a pastor, when he is preaching nobody can understand what he is saying.




Joke
My minister was acting secretary for the Christmas season so he had to make the bulletins. He usually had his teacher wife proof-read them except for one fateful Sunday when the closing hymn was "Good Christian Fiends Rejoice"




Joke
Many years ago when I was talking to my Junior Church class I asked them "Do you believe in God?"
Quck as a flash one boy said, "Yes, how else does my mother know when I have been stealing sugar?"




Joke
One sunday morning right in the middle of my sermon My daughter, who was three at the time, stood up on the front pew cocked her thumb back and shouted, "POW! I shot you. You're dead." I started to laugh, but as I looked out at the congregation, there wasn't a smile anywhere. I just wanted to go hide somewhere.



Joke
Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church. Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school. Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways, occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways during the time of the children's arrival. The deacons of this church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms. Annoucements were made and letters sent home, telling the children to wait on a deacon to help "walk" to their classrooms. Well, the following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the "chase was on."

Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office--I'm the pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked, "What's the matter?" He replied, "Hide me preacher, there's a 'demon' after me!"



Joke
The first prayer I ever learned was "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food". Unfortunately, I has also just learned the patty-cake poem. Picture it, quiet Sunday dinner. The family asks the youngest child to say grace. She is nervous--but manages to pray "God is great, God is good, roll him roll him throw him in the pan". Oops!



Joke
One day a family friend, age10, proceeded to read the bible aloud. He did very well until the end when he said "for his name is Snake," rather than 'for his name sake.'



Joke
It was the annual dedication of church officers service and I was a new deacon. One name was on the list 3 times - Doreen Bowles (not Bowels!!). The first time I read it without hesitation as "Doreen Bowels". Paused and backed up and reread it with much embarassment. The congregation tried not to giggle too much. The second time the name came up on the list I did the same thing again but corrected myself faster. Again the congregation titter. The third time I'm looking at the name I go "Doreen," then I paused and went "Bowles" the congregation was just about on the edge of their seat and had to give a sigh of relief. They have as yet to forget it and remind me.

I was so embarassed I was red faced as I apologized to Doreen. She said, "Well at least your not going to forget my name again!"



Joke
This is a true story. We were driving in the church bus, doing a midnight run where we give out coats, bibles, coffee, food, and the good word to the homeless in our area. We passed two girls on the road and the pastor asked them if they needed a coat or food. They said no. He asked them if they wanted a coke. They replied, "No, we're straight!"



Joke
One day a Pastor went to visit one of his church members homes. As he arrived, the mother of the house saw who it was and, because she had no food to offer him, told her children to tell the pastor that she has gone out, as she hid under the bed. When the children opened the door, the pastor walked in and asked if the mother or father of the house was in. From where he was standing he could see the legs of the mother sticking out from underneath the bed. Meanwhile the children were telling him that the mother of the house had gone to the shops to buy food. The pastor then said in a loud voice "Before I go I would like to pray for the mother of the house, for she has gone to the shops and left her legs behind!"



Joke
One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion elements in her usual manner. Or at least I thought it was in her usual style. When it came time to uncover the elements, the grape juice looked darker than usual. I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discovered why the strange looks...the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a divine commentary on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"



Joke
The other day I was sitting in church and the preacher was preaching about "Rivers of Living Water." Well when he started into his message he slipped and said Livers of living water without even realizing it. No wonder he had a strange look on his face when the congregation was cracking up. He was in the midst of one his most serious sermons and it was dead quiet in the church until he slipped up.



Joke
As a Canadian, I was quite interested with the recent U.S. presidential election. Our political systems are quite different. That difference reminded me of an American missionary who came to speak at our church years ago. As he spoke quickly & with little use of his notes, he had a slip of the tongue & instead of speaking about the sinners & publicans Jesus associated with, he mentionned the sinners & Republicans! (I hope any Republicans will laugh at this true story).



Joke
A minister was making his first visitation to meet members of his congregation. He knocked at the door of the first house but there was no answer. He put his business card under the door, and wrote on it "Revelation 3:20" (Listen! I am standing at your door knocking...)

Next Sunday the verger told him after the morning service that his business card had turned up in the offertory plate. The minister picked it up and saw that underneath the words "Revelation 3:20" were written the words "Genesis 3:10" (...and I was afraid because I was naked...)



Joke
My three year old cousin, Tori, whose father is also our pastor, had learned that Jesus lives in her heart. One day she and her mother were shopping in a small store when a police officer came in. Tori, being terrified of the officer, clung to her mother. When the officer realized that she was afraid, she tried to comfort her by telling her that she wasn't going to hurt her, but still Tori clung to her mom. When the officer left the store, Tori looked at her mom and patted her chest and said, "That woman about scared Jesus out of my heart!"



Joke
My husband teaches the 6th grade Sunday School class at our church. After a few too many discipline problems with a particularly bright but high-strung and disruptive student, he felt a parent-teacher conference was in order. During the conference, the distraught student exclaimed, "But Dad, we're not learning anything - we just look up stuff in the Bible!"

I guess it just didn't occur to him at the time that 'looking stuff up in the Bible' was what his parents (our Senior Pastor and Associate Pastor) did for a living!



Joke
I was attending a Christian rally a few years ago and the speaker shared this in his sermon. His 4 year old son had an endless series of sinus infections. He smelled so bad that you couldn't stand to hold and love him. After many doctors and medications, it was suggested he be taken to a special clinic in Texas. After a short exam, the doctor walked out and said he would be able to help the boy. The minister asked if it was an advanced sinus/infection condition that might require an operation. The doctor replied no! We just have to take out the BLUE NERF BALL that your son jammed up into his sinus cavity with a pencil. GMH



Joke
Every Sunday after I finish playing the piano, I go next door with the children to teach Sunday School. One Sunday a girl was waiting in the toddler nursery and her mom asked me to be sure to go by and get her. Well, as I left the piano, I forgot. I realized at the end of class what I had done and found the little girl to apologize. Monday I also dropped a note in the mail to her. The next Sunday I made a point to go retrieve her from the nursery. "No," she said, "I want to stay here." I assured her I was really sorry and that I wouldn't forget her. "No, I want to get another letter from you," she replied.



Joke
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"



Joke
Last Sunday I baptized my seven year old daughter. All week long we "practiced" in our little swimming pool. I thought this was a good way to ease her nerves. Of course I had a helper during those practices, my two year old son. Well, the day was here, everyone was excited, we got into the baptistery and I said a few words then baptized her. As I was bringing her up out of the water, my son realizes we are in water. He then yells, "I want to go swimming too!" Takes off his shirt and tries to run past his Mom.



Joke
ANOTHER WAY TO PRAY (as told by a preacher years ago)

An old gentleman was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC's. The old man waited until the child was through, then said, "I see you're practicing your alphabet."

"No," replied the child. "I was praying. You see, I don't know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!"



Joke
As a talkative child of eight, I was prone to whispering to my brother in church. One Sunday as my family and I were leaving the church, the minister knelt down to my level and asked me if my doctor had vaccinated me with a phonograph needle!

Rev. SW in No. On.



Joke
Recently one of our clubs in town had a "Church Parade". All of the women wore their red jackets with the group's insignia on them. Afterward at lunch in a local restaurant, a little boy was overheard asking his sister who the women were. She replied, "Oh, silly! Don't you know? They are the Mounty's mothers!"

Rev. SW in No.Ontario, Canada



At our seminary one of the students called Samuel, who had a Pentecostal
background, loved to get up at three a.m. to practice Psalm 5:3 "My voice
shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my
prayer unto thee, and will look up."

And as a good Pentecostal, he prayed out loud, so no one of us
not-so-faithful ones could get asleep.

Once some of the guys laid a twelve inches PVC pipe over the ceiling, until
it reached Samuel's bedroom. Right when he started praying, the guy said
through the pipe causing an echo: "Samuel, Samuel .".

Samuel felt on his knees and in a triumphant voice shouted: "Speak; for thy
servant heareth". And their came the reply "Samuel, Go, lie down, and let my
other servants get some sleep".





Has your computer accepted Jesus yet?

When I first used WordStar, I did a spellcheck. It rejected 'Jesus' as unrecognizable. I commanded it to accept 'Jesus', which it did. Since accepting 'Jesus', I haven't had any trouble with the wordprocessor. Coincidence? - Pastor Norman Bromley



Our youth pastor's 4 year old walked up the center isle after service one sunday with his hand on the front of his head. A woman sitting to his left leaned over and asked him how he was doing and he replied that he had a headache. Pulling out a roll of life savers, she asked him if he would like one suggesting that it might take away the pain. She placed it in his palm and he placed it on his forehead. Confused, he walked away.




I was told when my 7yr. old little boy was visiting his dad, he accidentally got his hand smashed in the door of the car. To comfort my little boy his dad started telling him of all the things that had hurt him when he was a little boy himself. Well, dad ended up saying the worst pain he'd ever felt as a boy was being burned. My son replied; "Boy, daddy, good thing you're going to heaven because you would really not like hell!"



A 5 year old boy staying with his grandmother wanted to show his love for her. He decided to bring her morning coffee. Although it was lukewarm and had coffee grounds floating on top, she sipped it appreciating his gesture.Then she noticed 3 small green army men in the bottom of the cup. When she asked why they were there the boy replied,"but grandma don't you know the best part of waking up is "soldiers" in your cup?"



When my Granddaughter was about 2, her Grandfather had taught her to say a short prayer before meals. She knew we couldn't eat until this was done. One day during church service the pastor was in an exceptionally long prayer. My Granddaughter decided that it was long enough, so she put her hands together and in a loud voice said, "Dear Lord, Thank you for this food, AMEN. The prayer ended.
Vicki Gasper River CP Church



Upon leaving church one monring, our Pastor asked our 4 year old son "if the Devil ever tells him to do bad things"? He replied, "Yes, but Jesus tells him to shut up!"



A true story. Notice on an Anglican noticeboard in Yorkshire England.
"Please help us to keep the dry rot out of our 18th Century pulpit."
Underneath was scrawled "Sack the vicar"



In liturgical churches, the prayers are often preceded by the minister saying, "The Lord be with you" to which the congregation responds, "And also with you."
The new minister in town was having trouble getting used to the local customs about worship, and even more trouble with the Public Address system. He kept flipping switches and turning dials and couldn't seem to figure out when it was on or off. Finally, just before the Prayer of the Day, in frustration with the microphone he said, "There must be something wrong with this thing." Right on cue, the congregation responded, "And also with you."



A 4 year old boy was nosily squirming all through the church service. His father tried several times to quiet him, but to no avail. Just as I was asking for prayer requests, the boy let out a loud yell. His father, obviously at the end of his rope, picked up the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and headed out of the sanctuary. When he was nearly out the door, I continued asking if there were any more requests when this little voice yelled desperately from across the threshold, "Oh, please pray for me!"



Our minister's little boy noticed that his dad always knelt and prayed during the hymn right before his sermon. When the boy asked his mom why dad did that, she said "He is asking God to help him". The boy replied "So, why doesn't God help him?"



Bulletin Bloopers:

If you must heave during the postlude, please do so quietly.

Next week - Communion Sunday. Come and join us as we break bread and wind together.



A woman moved to a new town and began to look for a church home. She visited a nearby church that was very beautifully decorated with uniformed ushers both on the outside and the inside of the church. As the organ played she noticed there was a quietness in the church. (not a sound). The organist was playing "I've Found Him". The woman stood and cried out in praise. An usher rushed over to her and said "you must be quiet in here!" Embarrased, the woman sat down. As the song continued the woman again jumped up and cried "Yes, I've found him!" The deacon then came over to the woman and said "you must be quiet or we will ask you to leave". The woman replied, "I can't hold my peace . . . I've found the Lord." The Deacon replied "well you didn't find him in here so you must sit down, be quiet, or leave."



I took my 3 year old grandaughter into our public library to choose some books for "mema" to read to her. In the lobby there was a life-sized replica of a knight in full armour. She stopped dead still and stared at it for a long time. I just knew a question was coming, and so I rehearsed my answer -- trying to decide how to explain what a "knight" was so she wouldn't mistakenly think "night." I didn't have to worry, though -- for she suddenly whispered with great awe: "Look, Mema...a POWER RANGER!"



My minister husband gave an illustration one Sunday morning about a snake. As the congregation filed out, our 3 year old son tugged on his coat and asked, "Daddy, is what you said really true, or were you just preaching again?"



My wife planned an activity for our two and one-half year old daughter during the week following Palm Sunday. After having her cut and paste brightly colored constuction paper coats and palm branches on a picture of Jesus riding into Jerusalem, she spread coats in our hallway, and the three of us walked over them, shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" A couple of days later, we reminded Jamie that the following Sunday was Easter. "Do you know what that means?" her mother asked. "Yes!" Jamie chirped enthusiastically. "We're going to church, and Jesus is going to come and walk on our coats!"



Every Sunday morning on the way home from church, my wife and I would ask our three year old son to tell us about what he learned in Sunday School. We always knew already, but we liked to see if he was paying attention and learning. One Sunday, the lesson was on Stephen, and how he asked God to forgive the people who were stoning him. I asked my son what we should do if somebody does something mean to us and he replied, "You forgive them and then you die!"



This last week at Elementary church camp the campers learned about the sacredness of creation. A young boy was with his group "creeking" and caught a frog. He turned to his counselor and realized that the right thing to do would be to let the little frog go, as not to have it die. As he released the frog, a fish came to the surface and ate the frog. The boy looked up for a split second, then jumped in the small creek. He caught the fish and beat it over the head with a large stick for killing his frog.





While holding a conference at our church, one of the Leaders stepped to the front to welcome the church family and he declared the visitors "all most (almost) welcome". The church found this rather amusing while the leader was oblivious to his mistake. Kieron ABC UK




While preaching a revival a couple of years back I was sitting on the platform with the pastor during what was a rather stirring Pentecostal worship service. As the the people were singing and praising the Lord, the words to an old hymn came to my mind that would go very well with my sermon that night. I quickly grabbed a song book from nearby, looked up the song and hurriedly attempted to memorize the page number.(#238) Right about that time a 'fresh wave of worship' began to swell among the entire church as people began to leap to their feet and shout praises unto the Lord. Wanting to join them I laid aside the book and rose to shout "Hallelujah!" Instead of the intended shout of praise, however, what I heard myself cry out was "Page 238" !!!



When I was a child of about 4 or 5, my dad was called to be the guest speaker at a church one Sunday morning. By way of bribery my parents had told me before arriving at the church that if I were a good boy they would take me to McDonalds after the service. During my Dads rather firey sermon on the destination of the good vs. the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice, "And where do you think those that live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go"? With all the fervency of the old time ameners, I stood in my seat and cried out "TO MCDONALDS"!!!



When our oldest son was about three years old, we went to a small country church near our home. After the sermon went on for about twenty minutes, our son became restless. The country preacher asked the rhetorical question "Would you be ready if Jesus Christ came today"? In a voice loud enough for all to hear, our son repeated TODAY!?! In a loud voice. After the congretation stopped laughing the preacher went on another fifteen minutes.



My wife and I were wanting to get back to our christian roots after years of being away from the church as a young couple. So we choose to go to a Catholic Church that she had attended as a child. We had our spirted 2 1/2 year old son with us who spoke remarkably well. 20 minutes into the sermon he was very restless and we were uncomfortable trying to keep him still. When a quiet moment came (you could here a bible close), our son pipes up and says " Dad why does that fat lady have a moustache?" The entire church heard it. We made our way out and didn't go back for years. I'll never forget that moment, and I'll always love him for his honesty, she was fat and had a moustache! Jack & Sky



One man from our church was driving his minivan as there was an accident in front of him with 6 cars involved. He saw the space being enough for him to drive between them, so he did. Immediately, he gets pulled over by a policeman yelling at him that he dented those cars. Amazed at the statement, our brother in Christ said it was impossible because he had about 3 feet of extra space as he drove by. The policeman measured the van and the space between the cars in accident, and found it was just 1 inch more than the width of his van. At that moment, a few more policemen approached and one said, "I saw your van shrink as you drove by", another one , "It was shining", the chief asked, "Who are you?" Our brother answered, "I am a believer in Jesus" The chief asked, "Can you pray for my officers?" "Yes", he said. "Line up, gentlemen!", he commanded. So our brother prayed for them. So God chose a humorous way to show his abilities and power. "AGAPE Church" Kazakhstan, Almaty



As a fledgling student preacher, one Sunday our whole family lined up at the door to the church when service had ended -- kids first, then my husband and myself last in full clerical garb. Being the first lady preacher they had ever had, one dear soul didn't quite know what she was saying as she approached my fully bearded husband and exclaimed, "And you must be the preacher's wife!"



One Sunday morning, none of the ushers showed up. Each one to be away for one reason or another. So, after the announcements, I had to enlist some people to take up the offering. So, I asked two gentlemen by saying, "Since the normal ushers are not here, would you be willing to take up the offering?" They gladly did it, but I have been hearing from them ever since about how they are not normal!



5 yr. old Alex said "thank you" for his new Bible cover with WWJD on the front. His dad asked, "do you know what those initals stand for?" Yes replied Alex, "www. Jesus Does.com".



A number of years ago when our children were young, my single brother came to visit for a few days. As it happened my husband and I, who are both pastors each had a meeting that night. Uncle David agreed to baby-sit with his two nieces. When we arrived home I inquired how the evening had gone. "Fine," he replied. "What did you do?" I asked. We played "Church" was his reply. How nice, I thought. "What did you do?" I inquired (thinking they had sung hymns, or prayed, or read scripture.) "Well..," he replied "I was the congregation, they were the ushers, and they took up the offering."



Once while on a drive, my wife and I had an terrible argument. After many miles of silence with my wife driving I glanced over to the fuel indicator with was close to empty. I could not resist breaking the ice with a jab about her forgetting to fill up the tank. I leaned over and said "low fuel, Karen". She turned to me with tears in her eyes as she pulled over and stopped, hugged my neck and said, "Oh, I love you too, Lawrence. I just wanted you to say it first"....Dr.Lawrence James Ellison, Fairbanks,AK



A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot. May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean-- (well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-- I must have lost them long ago!



A true story -

"Bill, what changes have you seen since you came to St. Cuthbert's seventy years ago?"

"A great deal has changed. Before the WW2 I used to sit on that side of the choir...."



Went to a church homecoming. Saw a woman who said, "Preacher, since I last saw you, I had all my teeth pulled and a new refrigerator put in."



My Choir Director asked me to sing solo for next Sunday's anthem........so low that no one can hear me!



When I was in second grade, I decided to write the Lord's Prayer to post on my bedroom wall (and impress my mother). I didn't understand her uproarious laughter at my attempts until years later when I ran across the faded page with the child's writing..... "and lead a snot into temptation".....